Its been almost 9 years.
I mentioned on Monday that I went on a spin through the dreamy Oakland Hills this past weekend, but what I didnt bring up was that I stopped by a rather macabre spot that holds a special place in my heart.
On the morning of April 30th, 1999, my friend Sammy and I were on a pre-work mountain bike ride, and as we ascended a short but technical stretch of singletrack, I spied off to my left a man laying back over this stump in a heap. In a matter of seconds I closed in him, laughing to myself thinking he had perhaps wandered away from a party the night before and rested his weary carcass where he lay, but as I moved over him I noticed that his face was bloody, so my second thought was that hed been beat up and dumped, as that sort of thing is not totally out of the realm of possibility. However as I gazed into his eyes, and blood filled mouth the realization that he was dead hit me like a ton of bricks. Sammy, who was a few yards behind me asked me what was going on as I raced past him to go find a telephone and I told him not to let any casual dog walkers or early morning joggers onto the trail.
I called the police, and a short time later the sleepy mountain road was filled with police cars, fire trucks and ambulances, and within minutes detectives questioned us separately, eventually letting us go. I spent the next 48 hours repeating to myself that a body is simply a vessel in a vain attempt at looking at the horror Id just experienced in some sort of clinical and justified light, but it was all for not as two days later enroute to meet another friend for a ride, I was feeling unusually exhausted and just wanted to go back to my flat to sleep. On the return home I was fighting unconsciousness and the second I got to my door, the lights went out and I went into massive convulsions. Luckily my pal Jake who had spent the night, came out to find me flopping around on the sidewalk and called an ambulance for me. I came to almost 20 minutes later in the back of the van answering the attending EMTs query of what year it was with an authoritative "its 1989, man".
That started me on a year long downward spiral of Depakote, doctors visits, revoked licenses, and just generally wondering 'whats it all for?' Ive often times thought about putting a laminated note on the memorial bench thats been placed at the scene asking for any family to contact me, just so that I might finally have some closure.
When I think about the fact that I was a matter of yards from this man who snuffed out his own existence, (two women who we kept away from the scene said that theyd heard the shot, though I couldnt recall hearing anything at all) and that our imminent arrival could have hastened his decision to pull the trigger, still almost ten years later makes me feel like crying.
Perhaps Im over thinking all of this, but the fact remains that I have a relationship with this person and what I feel to be a bond that gos far beyond any Ive ever experienced with any other individual.
John Michael Da Vega, rest in peace.
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Comments
STEVIL....
Remember, this blog is called "how to avoid the bummer life" bro. Read these responses...that is how you avoid the bummer life...it's a good vibe here, keep up the posi outlet brotha.
Posted by: elgee | April 11, 2008 12:42 AM
WOW. The two of you. (Tim). Have been quite inspiring this month. People are fragile. Love well and live.
Posted by: FNC | April 9, 2008 07:40 PM
I'm sure glad you're here, Stevil, or I would not have a Friday Hero...(BTW, you know you've been my Friday Hero for the past-lots-of-months right? You've seen me through TWO shitty jobs, so keep it up!) Bummer that happened, (all of it), but it shows your mettle...(and metal).
Posted by: Christina | April 9, 2008 08:44 AM
Pretty much that same thing happened to me at Top Of The World, but not self-inflicted. I heard of his memorial bench before I saw it, and by the time I saw it, it had an RIP carved in to a friend who had done himself in more recently. TOTW hasn't been so fun for me since, but I think I cherish it more.
Posted by: Sean A | April 9, 2008 03:13 AM
That's a big bummer. Way to bounce back, though, Stevil.
Hey, did I win the hat?
Posted by: Johnny | April 9, 2008 12:56 AM
Stevil,
That's too crazy - I think Erik summed it up the best.
How much of that experience has affected your artwork? Have you ever painted the picture of that scene? Maybe from the perspective of a third person looking at your face as you find that mess. I'm sure that would provide some healing... Who knows... I for one don't know that's for sure.
I do have one more question, did you by chance have a mustache at the time?
Posted by: Dan23 | April 8, 2008 11:41 PM
Crazy fucking ride, this thing called life is.
Posted by: Ashley | April 8, 2008 11:24 PM
steve, i have been dead, as you know and i've been to the gate and that little fucker stevo would not let me in yet. there is a reason for everything. a reason mr. da vega did what he did and a reason you were chosen to find him. most of the time we will never know why, but you are doing just what you are supposed to do.
p.s. those grand mall seisures are a bitch, i know!
Posted by: dflbrad | April 8, 2008 09:58 PM
Maybe my right brain is bigger than my left brain or is that the other way around and maybe it’s why I’m such a dick, but I’ve come to reason with my own existence and the life that surrounds me. I think for no particular reason…I have this brain that does what no other living species’ brain does, it wonders. So after years of wondering and reasoning what I’ve come up with is, this life is it, nothing more and sometimes less, so stay alive as long as you can and drink it up, cause when it’s over it’s over.
Posted by: Cary | April 8, 2008 07:58 PM
Fuck. I don't know if I could have ever gone back to that tail had I been in your shoes. I think it was good you did, though. Bad shit happens, but you gotta keep on moving, eh? Damn.....
Posted by: JP | April 8, 2008 02:42 PM
You are a good person and having a deep connection is
normal, we all are connected somehow/someway! compassion
I helped someone that found their dad like this in their backyard as a kid.
peace man,
Joe
Posted by: Joe | April 8, 2008 02:20 PM
Stevil,
Man, I don't know what to say. That's about as "real" as anything can ever get. Anniversaries like this one are hard to ever forget, that's for sure.
Though under totally different circumstances, I held the hands of two deeply loved relatives as they departed to whatever that other place may be. It wasn't even slightly easy, even knowing it was coming and being there to comfort them.
This thing called "life" leaves us woefully unprepared for that other thing called "death".
Sounds like the family had a pretty good thought; "celebrate his life and spirit".
Posted by: Tim Jackson | April 8, 2008 01:24 PM
I'm sure this is stuff you know already, but I think it's good to consider the basics now and again.
This guy may have had mental issues, or he may have had good reason to check out early, but he had no right to do what he did to some random person who happened to be you. You didn't cause his death, he made that decision on his own.
I've been around death more than, I think, my fair share for somebody in their mid-30s including people I've loved dearly. It isn't any great revelation, but I've decided that what really matters isn't anything material, it's taking what resources and circumstances the cosmic dice roll gave us and using it to help other people and make the world a better place.
It probably sounds trite, but Swobo seems to be a company that lives up to that. Bikes make the world a better place. Ethical and sustainable production makes the world a better place. Friendship and laugher, embodied in HTATBL, make the world a better place too. Lord knows I've had some shitty times over the past couple of years and my daily dose of this silliness has helped me keep things in proper perspective and eased my own demons a bit.
Forgive and forget, make peace with the demons, and roll on Mr. Stevil. Thanks for helping me dodge that pesky bummer life in all its forms.
Posted by: John | April 8, 2008 12:27 PM
heavy.
Posted by: Erik | April 8, 2008 12:13 PM