Today weve got alot of stuff, so Im just gonna get to it.
This in from Sky;
"Never stop playing"
That makes for a mighty fine mantra, if you ask me.
Which you didnt.
So well move on...
I found this while perusing the web today-
"Here's an opportunity to ask the kind and benevolent folks at Google to add 'bike there' as a choice to Google maps along with 'drive there' and 'take public transportation there.'
Anything to make it more attractive for folks to ride, right?
Then we have a correspondence from our homie, CVO in The Southland;
"(This is) Cousteau, from Lincoln.
she came down to pv to keep me company for a few days, she packed along a bob trailer, 3 slime tubes, floor pump, spare cables, and a star wars jersey for me... She's the goods. You might not remember having cheladas with her at the 101 the eve of the hff... but we were all a little crunked up that night.
keeping it real in Pv man,
you made fun of me for gettin my gay ass ankle bracelet,
so it sounded like you needed one...
see ya at hff-08"
I dont know what it is about it, but the level of dedication and friendship those Nebraska-ites show for one another, as well as have shown to me over the years makes my heart swell.
A Star Wars jersey? If you know CVO, that right there is love in the form of lycra.
Now then- this from Brian leaves me absolutely speechless;
"I won’t take up a bunch of your time Stevil…but I know that ya’ll are fans of products that come from one magical animal.
1) Take 1lb bacon (picture shows 2 because I don’t share)
2) weave it together
3) bake
4) Once its in the oven make sure your defibrillator is turned on and is close by
5) while it’s still warm form it into a bowl
6) turn it over and add breakfast buddies to it
7) smile
Have a good day"
I feel like I just got punched in the face by God.
Truth be told, I just might be exchanging my Cinelli hairnet in for a bacon bowl this season.
Like the hairnet it barely protects your noggin, but unlike the hairnet, its delicious.
And then along came DPow!
"Stevil,
there is a proud tradition of racing tiny bikes here in madison. some friends found a 16 inch kids bike called "thunderjet" then we found another bike exactly the same. Over the last few years we've had time trials, dual slalom, jets on ice w/studded tires, thunder bi-athalon, thunder pull, thunder joust, thunder pitfall, etc. tomorrow in honor of leap day, we'll be racing "thunder leap" where allegedly the tiny bike will be ridden down a ramp, through a feed zone and leaped over a bonfire...sadly I need to fly to Maine tomorrow morning, but it sounds like someone will certainly get some blisters where blisters shouldn't be. just look at the poster...
the back drop of the poster is a positively rancid lemond jersey signed by all the winners, and it hasn't ever been washed. The bikes themselves have both been pissed and bled upon, and are usually so sticky with old beer some folks never even want to ride them after signing up...god bless tiny bikes. We do this because this is exactly what the terrorists hate, and to stop it ever would allow them to win.
Have a good weekend.
dpow"
Guns, condoms, and tiny bikes? What could possibly go wrong?
Hey, lookit what I just got.
Somebody call me. I love talking on the phone again.
No offense to anyone from the Central Valley, but if Bakersfield was California's butthole, then Modesto might as well be the armpit.
However, after watching this clip, Modesto has just inched up the scale of favorability.
The previously mentioned Simon and Tim have done all of the damage they can while wrenching for the big S during the week of The Tour of California, and have graced us with some work that goes well beyond inspired;
"Oi, thanks for the good craic in santa cruz. I still have your sweatshirt ( I can put it in the post ) and it smells. Below is my first contribution to the bummer life. Photo #1 - Before mad pinting session. Photo #2 - after mad pinting session.
Thats all I got,
Simon out."
What can we say? Those fellas are artists.
On the business side of things, Id like to announce that Swobo now has a live chat feature on the lower right hand corner of our website so that if you find yourself with a query in need of an immediate response, you can getrdone quick style.
And dont bother writing in as Heywood Jablome. I already tried, and they were on to me.
As far as my previously mentioned false hero worship of Jan, out with the old, and in with the new, I always say. Dave Zabriskies moustache is as good of a reason to have him join the ranks as any I can think of.
Welcome aboard, Dave.
Well, its time we sign off. This weekend I will be squeezing every last drop of juice out of my free time, and will most assuredly be getting rad on two wheels all over the place, as my very unpleasant spelunking expedition is scheduled for Monday.
As far as the old adage of 'there is nothing to fear, but fear itself' goes, I have a new one that is specifically germane to my particular situation.
But to quote Buford T. Justice: "The god damn Germans got nothin’ to do with it."
That being said, I might be down for the count for a piece, so I look to all of you to keep a candle lit and your wheels crossed up in my absence.
It would appear as though The Warlocks have had the last word.
Speaking of The Warlocks, theyve got a bike doins coming up that you might like to know about.
I understand theres going to be some hijinx.
You know... if you like that sort of thing.
Upon looking at my refrigerator, my mom once accused me of refrigerator magnet abuse. Stacks of notes, and photos, piled on top of one another, the magnets quivering as even the slightest breeze would send it all crashing to the floor.
Soon after, she sent me an assortment of magnets that would make a grandma titter with joy. Hearts, flowers, and kittens all doing their jobs without complaint.
Anyhow, like the devoted bike nerd I am, I still have a picture of Jan up amongst various photos of family and friends. Jan was my hero, and Id be a liar if I said my heart doesnt sink a little bit every time I look at this shot..
Anyhoo- While were on the subject of moustaches, Professor Hobbs got ahold of us with a bit of crucial importance;
"Stevil,
While I think it's normally a good idea to try to be like Steve Perry, frontman of Journey, I think this video will give you a special reason to NOT be like him in this, shall we say, 'difficult' time in your life.
If you can't stomach all of it, just fast forward to 2:08 or so. I dig the site every day.
Faithfully,
Kevin M. Hobbs, Gentleman Scientist"
Just as I get done waxing poetically about the heart break of a fallen hero, Kevins gotta drop this bomb on me.
'Faithfully' my ass.
To move on momentarily to a more somber subject, we received this news about Sundays tragedy in Chicago.
Not that it needs to be said, but lets everybody be careful out there, ok?
As sad as it seems, I tend to always ride in traffic with the mindset that no one sees me, and those who do are out to get me. Call me paranoid, but Id rather be paranoid than dead.
Ill now deftly segue way from 'paranoid' to this video to which JMac responded to, simply with "I didn't think it was possible to smoke that much pot."
'Hits a go-go'?
Maybe more like 'Bong hits a go-go'.
Well leave you now with a motivational poster to get you though the hard days.
DPow! is definately bucking for my job as he just keeps sending on the hits. The Snot Rockets story of his ride along in a Mavic support car is gonna give me sweet dreams for weeks.
And while were on the subject of The TOC, I may as well include this shot that Otis sent to us;
"Rules?! We dont need no stinking rules!"
What you dont see is the guy in the wheelchair trapped beneath the whip.
Obviously Ball has to have a drivers license from somewhere, right?
Anyway, back to DPow! for a second. He also graced us with this.
Oh good Christ. You mean Ive been doing it all of these years for free?
The thing about my moustache and me is that Im not a moustache kind of guy normally. I recognize that I look absurd with one, as does anyone with the exception of Sam Elliot,
Tom Selleck,
definately Urs Freular,
The Bandit,
and probably this guy;
Anyhow, in a meeting with a financial advisor the other day, (thats right- Im a grown up now) I pulled out a business card as well as my ID, both of which portray my big dumb face with a hairy lip. She questioned why it was I had a different moustache in both of those photos as I do now. I explained to her that its always done in jest and as a tribute to the anti-aesthetic that the moustache presents. Despite that fact, it was just then that I had to choke down the horrid realization that after all was said and done, I too have fallen into the ranks as 'the moustache guy'.
I guess that means its time to go invest in that van Ive had my eye on.
Of course Ill probably have to roshambo with Potter for it.
And while were on topic, TB sent on a kindergardener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors.
I swear its the truth, and the truth is better then anything I could ever hope to make up.
Truth be told, Im surprised KISS didnt think of it first.
Now back to bike junk-
Matthew laid some photos on us from last weeks county line debacle. You wanna see em? Then all you gotta do is go here.
One speed, and miles and miles of flat.
Good times.
Now this on the other hand, is something I can and will happily wrap my mind around.
Now then- if I seem particularly happy these days, it might be cause Ive got one of these on the way.
Let the romance begin.
A couple weeks ago while Skinny Bee and I were ripping around the dirt side of things, an ultra kitted up racer chick that we came across questioned why it was I was on a cross bike because as she stated "dude- cross season is ooover..."
While out and about with Blacksocks this weekend, it occurred to me that while I missed my opportunity to snap back with any sort of retort, by the looks of things on Saturday I maybe should have said
"Nuts to that-
Cross season is never over."
With that, please allow me to say two things-
1) This weekend a clerk at the grocery store said "you look like a young Jim Croce.. Has anyone ever told you that?"
"Yeah" I responded. "Thats the second time Ive heard that today."
To which he asked "How many times have you heard that in your life?"
I stopped putting the items into my bag for a second and answered- "twice."
2) Im done here. We hope everyone had a grand weekend. Hold on tight as theres just five days till we do it all over again.
In regards to the Michael Ball buyout;
El Corpo has issued an official statement indicating Michael Ball has in fact sold his interest in Swobo Inc to Glenn Danzig, so in light of these recent developments and as photographic proof allowing us to put this matter to rest, heres a photo of the new boss crooning "EL CORPO SOLD SWOOOOOBBOOOOO!"
Would you like to see what it looks like when you loan Simon your custom Hunter cross bike?
He blamed his catastrophic meeting with gravity on his sorely worn out shoe falling off, so to remedy this, I offered him a brand new pair of custom Vans upon our arrival home, but due to the fact that his size 14 flippers that pass as feet are so much larger than mine, he wandered off into the darkness still donning his broke ass Converse.
So if a bike loan is in your future with Simon, consider yourself warned.
Squid gave us a call again this week. I love talking to that guy cause his thick New York accent bullys itself through the line and kicks the phones ass as I hold it.
Anyway, he sent this promo clip on that his boy Carlos just shot.
He also graced us with a DVD thats available though them which follows the antics of last years Velocity Tour as well as the New York City and Chicago alleycats that ran in conjunction, so if you think you might like a whole lotta footage of a whole lotta dirtbags killing it at various velodromes and in and out of the city streets, then I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy.
Speaking of which, this years Velocity Tours almost upon us.
Whats your excuse for not making it through?
Mines cause Im not tough enough, so that ones taken.
You gotta find your own.
Now onto other news. Hurl wrote to give us some insight on this past weekend Frostbike in Minneapolis;
"actual footage from Frostbündt, QBP's annual winter bike orgy, 16-February-2008. The rumoured Texas Twins Race never materialized, but the combination of not one, but two, steering wheel-equipped rides provides hours of derby enjoyment for the awestruck bystanders.
This is rock-n-roll bicycle action when adults on bicycles can revel in the combination of cycling and a few hundred cocktails with good friends. It somehow makes the spirit just feel a little more sanguine about the human condition. Here's the thing: Bikes are fucking cool..."
You know- you just cant argue with that kind of logic.
Im sure you all have come across Biker Fox at some point or another... I have and my retinas still hurt.
Anyway, Pete sent this to us.
I dont really know what to say.
You might want to not watch it, and just punch yourself in the face instead.
Not surprisingly its got pretty much the same effect.
Come to think of it- did we have dinner in the presence of greatness the other night, or is this just a trend were in the midst of?
Oh sweet Jesus, where am I?...
Our friends at OneonOne Bike shop in Minneapolis have finally dropped the other shoe, as it were, and gotten an online shop cooking.
And just as if you were within the walls of their very establishment, theyve even found a way to belittle you while you peruse their goods.
Theres still no word however if theyll run next door to pick up a little something extra for your order.
"My son KAI is the coolest but sometimes he can be a little devil. Instead of putting him on time out when he's bad we put him in the SWOBO corner. He hates it but DR Phil would be proud. It's funny- whenever we put him in pearl izumi he smiles like he just got laid."
Pearl Izumi huh? The boys young, so Ill cut him some slack, but so far its obvious that hes got no taste.
Are you asking yourself if I maybe thought to email this to the Bike Snob?
You might be, and I did, though he was probably making fun of this before I even got out of bed today.
Hes good like that.
Say, do you all remember when we posted the photos of these guys?
If not, heres the back story;
"These kids from Boston came down to Florida for a few weeks, and have been loving the hell out of it. They love the beaches, they love the theme parks, they love the weather. My friend Charlie was getting tattooed yesterday and I tagged along with the Boston kids who were crashing on his couch out of boredom.
He gets his work done, and we're about to head out, when one of the kids, out of nowhere, is all like "Fu*k it" and asks if the artist has time. He does, so Dude #1 gets a forearm piece of Mickey ears, a roller coaster, palm trees, and a space shuttle taking off. His first tattoo ever. Charlie and I are already cracking up because this kid who had never, ever been to Florida just got a pretty big whack-off piece to the Sunshine State.
The his buddy's all "You know what? Fu*k it, too." and demands a tattoo of his own to remember florida by. Dude #2's got to outdo his buddy, though, and gets a sunset across his Adam's apple, two pink flamingos with sunglasses near his caratoid arteries, and some plam trees. Full color. Fu*king nuts.
I'm hanging out with the Boston kids tonight, totally getting pictures."
Our number one superstar Hawk just sent an email that ranks right up there with these;
"Just before Christmas, I was up in PA hanging with my daughter and staying with a good friend. His name's Paul, and he seems to be clinging to the untied shoelace of conventional society. For this I love him. I tore out a page from one of my sketchbooks and gave it to him as a gift. And he was happy.
Yesterday I got a photo from Paul. It displays one of the images that lived on the page of that sketchbook, though in an entirely different medium. I thought you might like to see.
Love,
Hawk"
And as long as were on the subject of the most absurd of the absurd, we can never exclude our boy Jonny;
Weve got a bunch more stuff, but well save it for later.
Its Friday.
Lets do Prince proud and party like its 1999.
I didnt get fired... Im a liar. Or rather CFO is a liar. Im just collateral damage.
But if there was any doubt that Rock Racing sucks a mile of ass, then I offer this from Cycle-licious;
"Last but not least, a shout out goes out to the lovely lady behind the wheel of this Rock Racing Cadillac, who impatiently yelled at bikesgonewild and I to "GET OFF THE ROAD" when she was behind us and couldn't figure out that we were in the left turn lane in order to turn left."
Anyhow, we have to offer humungo thanks to CFO for throwing that inspired piece up here the other day.
He does very good work, and at some point should probably get a raise.
Is it any coincidence that CFO should grace us with his mastery of parody and then along comes George?
You dont suppose theyre the same person do you?
"Hello friend,
amazing solo darkness shredding on the back-roads occured this evening. the rubber was actually touching asphalt and sometimes dirt and I wasn't in a car.
it was even above freezing! Feeling great walking through the door and my lady served up chicken enchiladas and beer. Hell yes hump day.
Speaking of my lady, she had one hell of a quote the other weekend after my bros bachelor party which involved a couple of naked ladies performing various tricks with ice cubes, test tubes filled with shots and $1000 boobs. Naturally, I gave her the details. She said, "you know, I still love you after you took a twat shot out of another girls vagina." and then kissed me. awesome.
check out the pics from the recent x-games weekend when the tomatoes were flying everywhere getting wicked sick amplitude doing at least rad 540's in the trick ditch.
1. Up first we have my boy Z, who for lack of a better description looks like a holocaust survivor due to his diet of peanut butter foldies, milk, old milwaulkee, sparks and whiskey getting up in that frozen snow (keep in mind we ain't got a tub to have that bottle full of bub.)
2. Next we got Nikoli chillin with Z and his early times.
3. the hi times poster boy brought more than we showed recently that put us into severe geek mode, I think I climbed el Cap as a result, but it may have
just been my loft.
4. Superbowl delights: jalepenos wrapped in bacon and stuffed with cream cheese. yes.
5. My february christmas present of good beer and mag.
a is a,
g"
You know- all anybody needs to know about George and his friends is depicted right here.
Ive blown that shot up and have it hanging above my bed.
Dont believe me?
Come over and get into bed with me and Ill prove it.
In other news, Simon, Nancy, Tim and I went out to dinner the other night, and there was alot of really sweet hair going on.
Then after dinner, we went to the disco.
If theres one hard and fast rule in this world, and unless youre one of the 'Intelligent Design' bean bags, you just cant argue with science.
And speaking of white people, do you know who has one middle finger and likes bikes?
At a press conference held at the start of stage 1 of the Amgen Tour of California, Michael Ball CEO of Rock and Republic Jeans announced his companies acquisition of urban cycling clothing/hard goods manufacturer Swobo Inc.
In what Ball described as a perfect marriage between "The soul of the new cycling movement and the soulless", Ball hopes, with the implementation of guerilla business practices and the use of sub-par materials to increase the brands profits "at least 10 fold."
Ball's first move as CEO was to fire longtime Swobo employee/acquaintance Stevil Kinevil from whatever it was that he did, and replace him with Rock Racing team member Tyler Hamilton, who needs the work and with any luck will go the fu*k away and never show his face at or around a cycling event ever again.
How much the actual look and attitude of Swobo Inc. will change under the guidance of Ball is yet to be determined, but the company's ever popular blog www.howtoavoidthebummerlife.com has been "pulled indefinitely" and restraining orders have been filed against all contributors.
As for the newly unemployed Kinevil, it seems as if his dreams and aspirations remain unswayed....all he wants to do is dance.
Who should make a surprise visit this weekend but one of our favorite Western Spirit guides, Simon.
I knew my liver was in for a beating, but especially so, due to the fact that Id spent the day with TB playing pinball and wrecking the worlds of dozens of Bloody Buddies.
Long story short, we invented the counterpart to "The Shocker", and initiated wrestling matches that stretched into the wee hours of the morning.
Fortunately for me, Demonika felt the need to whup up on Simon, more than I did, though he Reverse Nelsoned her and walked away with the title.
Anyway, The Tour of California started this weekend, and as we made our way to Palo Alto to check out some of the TT action, I very narrowly avoided getting obliterated by a douchebag bomb.
If youre interested in what happened at the race, might I be so bold as to tell you youre on the wrong website, and as much as I try, I cant say 'prologue' without giggling.
There were fancy faces in the crowd to be sure. Greg Lemond was there (I stole his wallet), and as I stood among the crowd, I noticed a fresh faced young man wearing an Evil shirt. "Poser" I began to think to myself, until upon closer inspection I realized it was none other than Captain Dave himself.
Captain Dave of Evil Cycling fame and I have enjoyed a long and sordid bromance, though weve never crossed paths for reals.
Sunday we did, and it was magical.
Now, as the guys at Thrasher Magazine say when somebody gets inked up in tribute of their brand-
'Phil is down for life'..
...and for that Phil is forever welcome to crash on our floors.
Though its still not quite as badass as Franks.
Hey- You wanna see some magic? If you dont like mystical feats of amazement, and repeated use of the F WORD, dont watch the video... Just go here.
So if your tire rubbed on your carbon fork, and it looked like this, would you continue to ride on the fork?
As I told Sean, my folks paid a whole bunch of money on braces for me when I was younger. I dont want to go messing my teeth all up now.
Flinging people around with a trebuchet- What could possibly go wrong?
In closing, I just want to show off Fridays very first sales order of the day.
Old schooler, Arj Barker just dropped by Zoltron Headquarters™ and....
...in his usual self-absorbed ways, dropped off this morning's paper which featured a story on him and his role in HBO's Flight of the Conchords Arj is a funny guy. and I don't mean the type of funny where he wears a Bike helmet to the grocery store.. He's actually one of the few good comedians, at his best when he's going deep into some randomly developed character - where the audience starts getting uncomfortable...shifting in their seats - before he throws some classic call back punchline and just owns the crowd. Arj actually had a role in the Swobo site as well. you think Parr actually had the unmitigated audacity to come up with the term, "Shpants" ? If anyone in the SF Bay area wants to see the mini-star in action, he's playing the Punchline in SF tonight and tomorrow and in Mill Valley on the 24th.
Arj's website was my first web design in 1996. Someone one told me when they go there, it's like staring into the sun.
Its like an explosion of words and pictures and stuff.
Im going to start this post off by letting you all in on a fairly recent and very exciting development at Swobo H.Q. To stay competitive within these burgeoning environs of the increasingly popular 'urban cycling' market, we will soon be venturing into the relatively uncharted realm of footwear. We figured if Chrome can do it, then by god, we can too.
Id like to proudly present to you- the Bummer Life audience, the very first glimpse at our new line of Swobo kicks.
Never let it be said that we dont dream big around here.
While everyone was up Portland way over the weekend, Minneapolis was busy getting rad.
The video sums up all things good and right.
If Jon Stewart was a woman, hed be the future Mrs. Kinevil.
The 'Canned Beer Month' posterboy got ahold of us to lay out this upcoming goodness happening up in Bellingham, Washington.
He said as soon as hes done cleaning off his cutlery, hed take it into consideration.
Another bicycle related freakout that Ricks throwing is ready to rear its ugly head again, assuming THE MAN doesnt get in the way.
Thankfully TBs birthday is also happening this weekend, so it looks like I will in the big city- thereby successfully avoiding it yet another year.
Though Im torn, cause nobody would want to miss out on getting up on a big old slice of this.
You know...I hadnt dusted off any of these old chestnuts for a while. Today seems as good a day to bring a couple more out as any.
Im anxiously awaiting the union of Christina Dixie and Jonathan Recht.
You know- for that matter, Ill pay for the wedding.
As long as its still snowy everywhere in the country but here, Im gonna throw this out at you and say that this here invention is enough to make me move back to some winter wonderland or another.
Now then. Did you know that if you leave a CO2 cartridge in a hot vehicle, they can explode?
Tyler didnt.
Did you also know that men who love boys who love Starbucks, also love Starbucks?
Well now you do.
What we have here is a regular whirlwind of education.
Leave it up to CFO to turn up the weird with this offering, (although we gotta offer a hearty thanks to Zoltron for stealing our thunder with his Valentines Day wishes.)
God I need a drink.
Lucky for me its Friday, so thats exactly what Im gonna do.
I got an email from an old friend that you all know, without actually knowing you know her. She was one of the women who lived in the house where I resided beneath the stairs, messengered with me, taught me some finer points of bicycle mechanics and has in some form or another been involved in many of the tales Ive shared here over the many months of maintaining The Bummer Life.
Shes nominating a Friday Hero that without dispute, fills the role;
"I want to nominate my brother Morgan for Friday hero. He died two
weeks ago in an avalanche while skiing in Sequoia park, and I just got
these photos sent along to me, and I think you might like to look at
some of the details- a real KISS fan. And he knew far better than me
how to avoid the bummer life.
I have some things I'd like to write about him, about how I am going
to Santa Barbara this week to retrieve his 4 bikes, and bring them
back here, and a whole lot of other stuff. The day I learned about
his accident Andy was bringing back a box of christmas presents he'd
sent, which included two vintage wool jerseys from Cafe du Velo in
Santa Barbara.
There's a ceremony in Santa Fe in April but I'd like to do a bonfire
in SF some time in the next few weeks. I am discussing details with
Rev Jim. There's also a facebook group, if you like that sort of
thing. But it's not the same as having him around.
Love,
Sarah"
A rule I try with all of my might to live by, and as Ive stated here before, is the untimely death of someone you love is indeed a tragedy, but death is, just as birth, body oder, hair loss, and tooth decay is, simply a part of life. Celebrating the ways someone has touched your existance is as profound a way to say, not 'goodbye forever', but 'so long for now', as I can imagine. Knowing Morgan died doing something that he truly loved is as much as I could ever hope for for myself or any of my friends.
We hope you all have a rip-roarin weekend getting into trouble staying out of trouble.
While youre at it, grab onto someone that you love, hold onto them tightly and tell them that youre glad that theyre there.
We know we will.
Love is everywhere. You just have to know where to look.
This is Romeo. Some of you may know him. He's 19 years old. He's the world's smallest bodybuilder, standing at a knee-high 2' 9"... And he's my hero. While most dwarfs have large heads compared to their bodies, Romeo is perfectly proportioned, and despite his diminutive stature has triceps, biceps, calves and thighs that would make many a full-grown man blush.
I know every time I look at photos of Romeo, I blush.
You might look at him and say.."Whoa, he's small" but think about this.. What if we're all just really big ?
You ever take a minute to really ponder that philosophical question ? Yeah, me neither... But that's neither here nor there. To me, Romeo is more about what you can do with what was given to you. And what I'm going to do is save $3.90 by making my own Valentine's day card with the front graced by my new favorite person, Romeo.
Now don't get me wrong.. I'm not making fun of Romeo. Not at all.. He's much more of a man than I'll ever be. I'm 6 feet and could barely lift that customized dumb bell. Romeo has style, flash, pizazz.
Thanks for reading and remember... It's not what you lift. It's not how well you lift whatever it is that you might happen to be lifting at the time when you lift it. It's about not letting anything get in your way when you are lifting whatever you are lifting.
When I was messengering, it was an occasional event that I had to deliver something of preposterous size or content. It occured to me recently that it might make for an interesting exercise to put together a collection of some of the stuff the folks out on the mean streets have taken to and fro in their continuing efforts to keep the wheels of the city turning.
Personally during my career on the road I have delivered two such items. One was a full size foamcore mock up of an automobile dash board from an industrial designer. Seriously, the thing was like 3 feet wide by 5 feet long by two feet thick.
Humungo.
The other one was a stay of execution from Federal Court in San Francisco to Federal Court in Oakland (with five minutes to spare). Upon leaving the office, the woman who gave it to me blessed me, and wished me godspeed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember 685 once told me how he delivered a pair human eyeballs to an awaiting flight for life helicopter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark writes;
"As a bike messenger the most unique item I've delivered was the hood of a Chrysler. Full size actual hood of a car mounted on a custom made steel stand, on wheels. It was an exhibit in a personal injury trial involving a Chrysler I guess. I had to walk it down 3rd Avenue and into the courthouse, then walk back to my bike. I think the defense attorneys were too embarrassed to walk down the street with it, so they called a messenger.
As a courier for a pathology lab I got lots of stool samples, sperm samples, pap smears and blood. With occasional buckets of breast reduction tissue and testicles.
word"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corey the Courier chimed in as well;
"I cannot recall any specific spectacular packages as I've probably delivered close to 100,000 packages in my extensive career. But. And this is a huge but. I recently delivered a package to the model Helena Christenson's place in NY. She answered the door in a white terry cloth robe with a white towel on her wet hair. I REALLY wanted to be invited inside for a glass of water or cookies or use the bathroom or anything else that would keep me there for a few hours...
C. the C."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ritchies certainly done his share;
back in n.y.c. we had this blood run, we used to pick up a bag of blood (in a i.v. bag i guess) and drop it off at bellvue hospital. the funny thing is we had to leave it in a refrigerator right in the front lobby, no signature and no one was guarding the fridge either.
in s.f. i had to deliver 35 boxes of pop-tarts to NBC when they were at 1 beach. i stacked four paper bags on my bars. when i went to the safeway over in north point, the lady there thought they were all for me!! i told her that they were for the client and she kinda seemed dissapointed...haha....EXTREME POP-TART MESSENGER!!!! AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! (picture cookie monster with a messenger bag)
i used to carry those aeron office chairs with the wheels on my head while riding my fixie... as well as other office furniture too
i carried a 75lb box on my handlebars from union square to 1 bush on my fixie too.
its funny that in over ten years of messengering i can only remember a few of these strange deliveries..i know there are more that i forgot. my poor brains cells are scatered at the wall like ashes in the wind.
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And Ritchies comrade in arms, Danny Boy had some thoughts on the matter as well;
human skin from downtown to a red cross on a 15 min rush did it in 9 min.......also moved tubes of blood infected with HIV which i called the TAINTED BLOOD run...had to sing the song over the radio on every pick up....you dont want to wreck with that in your bag!!! moved luggage...all kinds of weird shit............
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Bruce the Moose did pretty much the same thing;
"I've delivered stool samples, dental molds, blood, hair, wigs.
I know Deb at Lickety-Split delivered vulva puppets for Women's Educational Media.
But the weirdest of all for me, empty envelopes.
-Bruce"
Bruces empty envelope thing reminded me of another run I did one time. I dont remember where the pick up was, but the drop off was this non descript upstairs flat, with three people working with alot of jewelery. I think it was something like a diamond broker.
Anyhow, when the guy opened the envelope, there it was -$25,000 in cash.
That was one I wished Id 'lost.'
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Just as Bruce should mention Lickety Splits Vulva puppet run, none other than one of Lickety Splits brightest stars should chime in;
sperm.
prostectic leg with shoe attached.
large blow up doll.
gigantic helium balloons attached to a basket of cookies.
full early 90's computer plus monitor (my bike had a basket)
i am sure there are more. i worked for lickey split...
m"
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My only question is what the hell is so much Semen traversing the city streets for?
MG33 from Denver had a good one;
"Picked up and delivered a tube of anti-itch cream to high profile female lawyer..along with box of condoms."
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As did Chipps;
I delivered two bottles of champagne and a blonde wig...
Friends of mine were sent out to buy new underwear and toothbrushes for advertising luvvies who'd woken up in the wrong bed that morning...
Not too glam :-)
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And then comes Celeste;
"Ive delivered Lots of chocolate dildos, body organs on ice for donation (kidneys, mostly), gravel (lots of it)."
"I Found a misdelivered x-ray of a spine with screws in it (still have it), I served papers on a woman behind bars (I actually served her through the bars) at 850 Bryant who didn't speak English and who had hacked her husband up with a butcher knife, large foam boards (4'x5') on a windy day, stay of execution to the governor in Sacto, in the rain."
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Would anybody suppose Brians served a subpoena to the singer of a marginally talented band? As a matter of fact he has;
"I Served the lead singer of Third Eye Blind ONSTAGE for copyright infringement."
Personally speaking, if that was me- that might count as one of the greatest achievements of my life.
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Mikes got one hed like included as well, and really... who am I to argue?
"Delivered film canisters of the film "Teeth" about the girl with a tooth in her vagina."
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However, among all of the above- Daniel wanted to include his, which by far is the most bizarre;
"I once delivered a roll of architectural drawings / blueprints."
Really now... Its just keeps getting weirder, doesnt it?
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Maybe so. Hans writes;
"I worked for breakaway courier for 3 years, and they have this pick/drop that is a box, the size of a six of eggs, containing viles of baby foreskins floating in pink juice. it goes from albany street south end to just by the MFA. the pay is decent, the package is real ill. but for the few lucky messengers who get to ride for Bway, you get the SkinzRun kid!
Fly over the city, my current crew, hasnt had many far out deliveries, but Dennis Leary ran into me with his Escalade the week of Christmas, '07.
we locked eyes, shrugged, moved on."
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Theres alot of unsavory biohazardous materials being mentioned. Are we starting to detect a theme here?
Bridget, messenger number 21 continues;
"Pee. It was a monthly run from the Mpls. Jail to the lab. I never put that package inside my bag."
So next time you see somebody hauling ass across town, never assume that what theyve got on board is something as mundane as some legal papers or film negatives.
Unless its Daniel, that is.
They might even be saving someones life...
Even if that life might be on death row anyhow.
Uh oh. It looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
Who dont love a little Diamond Dave?
I want that recording blaring from a backpack I wear around town.
And while on the topic of love, The Gimp wrote us with a new use for his very old shorts;
"Thanks for making a product I can destroy for over 10 years, then recycle into something I can hopefully use for another 10."
With the other leg, might we recommend you make a mexican wrestling mask?
El Corpo sent us an update as to what former Swobo intern A is up to since his departure onto greener pastures
"Intern A receives a Congresional Medal of Honor for his work lumbar pack work in rural China.
Intern A with Danny Wood from NKOTB at the international facial hair awards were Intern A took a respectable 2nd place to Proffessor Long Sword McWilliams III (pictured below)"
Congressional medals of honor? Rubbing elbows with New Kids, being the first loser at a moustache competition, making babies and wearing whimsically handsome Christmas sweaters?
Intern A was only associated with Swobo for a short while, and it looks like the worlds being served to him on a silver platter.
Then theres me.. still on the side lines.
Whens it gonna be my turn to shine?
If you turn your bathroom lights off and while standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed, turn around three times and say 'bloody George' each turn, legend has it that when you open your eyes youll see his reflection instead of yours;
"Duder,
Hope all is well!
did a little uphill shredding on the planks this morning in the dark to get in a few turns before the bummer life started at 8am. But on an incredible note, the crap mountain radio stations knocked out a stellar play-list from the moment I got in the g-wagen to when I stepped out, the list:
1. Stroke me - billy squier
2. all of my love - zepp
3. Dancing in the dark - the boss(You can't start a fire You can't start a fire without a spark This gun's
for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark)
4. the sweet escape - gwen stefani
5. livin on a prayer - the bon jovi
6. the chain - Fleetwood
For all those into skateboarding peep steve berra and eric koston's hot site: The berrics(dot)com
Also, my bros over at road34 will be dropping their new site like it's hot later today on over at Road34(dot)com. I don't know anywhere else that you
can get a tune up and beer under one roof (except for Tommmy's bike shop in Seattle - but Tommy's is more like a basement with a stand and a fridge)
maybe you've heard this one... what's the difference between hockey players and hippie chicks?
hockey players usually shower after the third period.
keep it real,
g"
Heeeyyyyooohhhhhhhh! Hell be here all week folks. Dont forget to tip your waitresses.
Yet one more thing to go to the promised land of Portland for.
And speaking of Portland, of course we cant let Monday slip us by without at least some word from the biggest little show in the industry.
Let Brad give you the scoop.
As previously mentioned, weve got at least a couple of folks on the inside, so well get a report-Bummer Life style (ie, 20 words or less) soonish.
Hey- before I forget, Skys got something shed like to say;
We are very proud to carry WALD baskets. Made in Maysville, Kentucky since 1905. All steel. The most old school, blue-collar, original bike part suppliers. I sold these same exact baskets in a Schwinn shop in 1972. No need to change things when work right from Day One.
The grandson of the founder runs the company. He is extremely psyched and happy that we will sell his baskets. The stays fit under the locking Q/R and both baskets fit 700C and 26". The shallow silver basket below will be perfect on a Sanchez or a Novak.
-sky"
Just so you know. you dont HAVE to carry a six pack of beer in the basket. You could carry books, or some produce from the farmers market.. The six pack is just a suggestion.
Besides, Skys gotta get her breakfast to work somehow.
Im gonna finish with an invention Bee introduced me to on a ride this weekend thats the most important thing to happen to folks who like booze, since booze.
Its handy for the alcohol enthusiast on the go.
Anyhow, right before Bee unveiled this amazingness to me, we came across some very curious picto-grams scribbled on the ground smack dab in the middle of the trail..
First one that can tell me what the hell is being said here wins something. Maybe a shirt, or maybe something else.
Like a deck of cards.. Ill figure it out once you wow me.
Alright- Im done. Like Fred says-
"Its time to make the donuts."
Its been with great infrequency that I use The Bummer Life as a forum for any sort of formal political rant, but I feel the need to elaborate a bit on what I blurted on Tuesday- I was using Critical Mass as an example of what I feel to be a continually futile and politically ignored exercise to make a point, which has for these last sixteen years fallen on deaf ears, and how anyone could take part in the event when they dont even bother involving themselves in a process that might actually aid in realizing their ultimate objective. Believe me, Im one of the most jaded individuals you might ever come across, but I do, to the core of my being, believe that banding together in an attempt to make a singular voice heard can and has made a difference. Im not of the opinion that boycotting the Democratic process hurts anybody, but everyone.
I was hasty in my example of it being better to have voted for Bush then to not have voted at all, as I feel as though he and his band of billionaire thugs have absolutely highjacked this country, and have caused chaos that will take decades of undoing. Thats not to say that Kerry would have been better, but he certainly couldnt have been worse. I would expect Republicans to be horrified with how the Bush administration have used their platform to their own means, and ultimately the countries undoing, and further more, to my understanding Neo-conservatism is NOT the same thing as Republicanism.
But I digress.
I am a product of a family who has (perhaps naively so) instilled in me that the idea
