I figure that Im due some time to relax and swim around in my Scrooge McDuck pool of gold coins cause my life has been one of destitution and poverty since my highschool band broke up.
On the chance that our aforementioned cash cow of key leashes doent arrive on schedule, we will maintain business as usual and like our business plan states, will continue to be "forcing people to see it our way since 1992".
One way or another, we will prevail.
The other distant rumbling is that of The Bummer Lifes most epic post to date, which is just around the bend.
It has something for everyone.
Truth,
lies,
bicycle related stuff,
references to killing things while wearing pants,
and the standard fare of undying appreciation for those whove allowed us to cling onto their proverbial coat tails on our blitzkrieg to the top.
Speaking of moustaches, Master Keith wrote in;
"So I saw on ye olde Swobo site today that you can get free hat if you get your picture taken with Turd Ferguson while wearing said hat. I dug into the archives to find this pic of me and Burt arm wrestling back in the 1970's. Coincidentally I happened to be wearing a Swobo hat.
Happy belated Jesus birthday.
Keith"
Now seriously Keith- Do you think that brazilionares like ourselves became brazillionares by giving hats away to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who swooned us with images of greatness?
It also appears that you might be wearing a Members Only jacket, which indicates that you are doing even a tad more better in the old dollar department than we are.
Now to jump from over there to waaaay over here. Armchair scholars have long debated when it actually was that punk rock died. Personally, Id be willing to bet it was the day The Refused disbanded.
"Good frames wont save bad paintings", indeed.
Anyhow, back to the news...
We here at Swobo H.Q. sometimes like to document vistas such as the one below and remind ourselves that its the end of December.
Thats December- like the middle of winter.
As a good portion of the rest of the country is doing battle with snow drifts, and running out of road salt, were here falling down hills on our bicycle machines.
This isnt to serve as an unwarranted boast, but rather an invitation to friends and strangers alike that if a retreat from winters icy grip is in order, we always have floor space.
So thats it for the day. As usual, theres a cross race that Im late to register for, and judging by the over abundance of work this month, and the under abundance of riding, sleeping, eating, and everything else that makes 45 minutes of hell a bit more tolerable, this one stands to make this grown man puke.
Bicycle Retailer- The multinational corporation known as Swobo has done what bicycle messengers nationwide are referring to as the unthinkable. They have gotten the term "bicycle messenger" copywritten so that as of January 1 2008 no one will have use of the aforementioned without the express written consent of Swobo Inc. LLC.
"Whereas ten years ago bike messengers formed a subculture unto themselves — one looked poorly upon by mainstream America, when looked upon at all — the scene is now considered almost hip. Bike-messenger fashion has gone mainstream, and large companies have realized they can make a buck off it.
Blacksocks picked this up on the trail the other day and uttered, 'thats an unfortunate thing to loose.'
Well the day of the jolly fat man, the baby Haysuess, or depending on your denomination, the mother ship has again come and gone. Frankly, Ive not been much a fan of this season for years and have a profound loathing for anyone who dares to wear a Santa hat along with their daily garb, but thats just my perspective and for the five or so of you reading this, Im sure it doesn't really matter.
Time away from work found me struggling to keep warm, riding my bike, drawing a whole heap load, and patching together a new post for when 'Oh Ate' drops.
At some point I found myself in Marin, gazing from the drivers seat at a sunset over Mount Tam on my way to the annual Ray Ray ride.
It was cold, it was dark, it was good.
I have to move my carcass away from the computer and the coffee cup and get down to business that is everything Swobo.
I just scanned a ton of videos of people falling down, and big ladies rope swinging to cap this one off, which sadly didnt yield anything good, so for now dig what Wired Magazine is saying about the Dixon.
At the risk of blowing my own horn, I gotta say that recently I feel as though Ive set the bar pretty high for myself in terms of singing the praises of avoiding the bummer life.
Seriously, I blew my own mind on this thing this week, and if you dont think so, then allow me to be the first to say that youre wrong.
"The Shut up Baby"?
The wolf guy?
Bacon cookies?
Kareem Abdul-Jabarfield?
Comeon now, say it... 'Perfection'.
Thats not to say however, that my virtual life and my personal life are in parallel. No sir. In reality, my day to day existence is one of sleeping too little, working too much, and wearing underpants with holes in them, all of which tends to lead me to constantly being on the verge of buying a broken down pickup truck, a pack of menthols, and a fat stack of lottery tickets.... Its a genuine shambles, I tell you.
But do you know what breaks those seemingly impenetrable clouds of despair?
Friday.
Not just the movie, (although that sometimes does the trick as well), but that golden ray of end-of-the-week promise. A marker for two days of sleeping in, tuning out, and getting rad.
Just like these guys.
You can bet that if this shot was in color, youd see a whole boat load of orange in there, and perhaps even a bunny suit..
I dont have a whole heck of a lot on deck for today, so Ill break it down quickly.
What caption for Petes photo is better than just simply 'Sov'?
The aforementioned and I had a brief phone conversation yesterday, during which he asked how Denzel and Captain Morgan were fairing, and it occured to me that their presence has been neglected here as of late.
Captain Morgan, the visually more sturdy of the pair has hit the high road without so much as a goodbye. Denzel on the other hand put down steaks where the Captain once resided and is weathering out the storm, braving freezing temperatures, and blustery rain.
Hes truly a tough soul, if there ever was one.
The bikes as well as the threads have been flying out of the door, and the warehouse looks a little bit like a bomb has recently detonated. Carnage of empty boxes, and packing materials are everywhere. Its a war zone and if I didnt know better, judging by the abundance of panicked phone calls received recently requesting overnight shipments, Id say that Swobo is controlling whether or not Christmas will actually happen this year.
You all can sleep easy this weekend knowing that The Skipper and myself have bloodied our fingers and broken our backs ensuring that it will in fact arrive on schedule, which is more than we can say for Santa.
That Folsom up there might just be my new steed. You know, Ive had my eye on that piece for some time, but the care package I just got from CO might very well be the icing that that particular cake is in need of.
Though he probably wouldnt admit it in public, Corey the courier laid some seasons greetings on us.
Upon arriving home last evening I opened up my mail box and much to my pleasure found copies Heavy Metal Parking Lot and Air Guitar Nation had arrived for my viewing pleasure.
It looks like Ive got a full evening of quality programming in my future.
Ive searched high and low for an adequate Friday Hero this week, and aside from my initial candidate of Hurl who sent me a care package containing an extraordinarily old sandwich and an intriguing looking film by the name of 'Perversions #25', I think I may have found one who goes by the name of Paul Karason.
My man might have a bright future playing drums in Vegas.
You didnt see that one coming now did you?
Have a good weekend everybody.
While pinned between a chorus of crying babies on a flight recently, I had a bit of an epiphany, however I havent come up with a more clever name for my invention then "The Shut up Baby".
The concept is simple enough. Its a large glass orb that fits tightly over the offenders head. Attached to the sound proof dome is a sound converter that translates the piercing cacophony into ether soothing music, or, if you wish, complete silence.
Im gonna make me some millions.
Dayton writes in with another good idea regarding the winter solstice;
"as the date approaches (and I have no idea when, people have just been mentioning it a lot lately) I only have a few choice words, and some choice photos for y'all.
RIDE YOUR BIKE AT NIGHT! Follow the light down the path, just like indiana jones or jesus would.
.d"
Hes right, you know.
Hell- as far as that goes, I think in the last three weeks Ive ridden my bike in the sunlight twice. It wouldnt seem as though Ive really got a choice in the matter.
Our boy Steve Garro sent on a couple of pictures he thought we would enjoy.
Steve thought right. Hey, since noone can ever get enough of Garro, why not stop and spend some time over here.
Google news has done a real service to Bush with this shot.
Saint Paraskevi, meet saint crap face.
What was I saying about 'douchey individuals'?
(You know- Bush.. Not Paraskev.)
As long as were on the topic of guys who wear circles on their heads, heres one for you.
Everybody knows two things friends are never to discuss are politics and religion, and there I went breaching the sanctity of that particular rule.
The only thing that can probably fix my blunder is to bring up new uses for bacon.
This just showed up on my computer..
Those Italians sure are thoughtful folks.
Now, just to kill some space, heres a photo of GSD doing some of what he did best.
Tina B sent this item onto us about Dave Mustaines new brand of coffee that "gets him up in the morning, and keeps him shreddin' all day long".
JMac was wondering how he copes with his coffee being 'only the second best in the world'.
Now if youve seen Metallicas 'Some Kind of Monster' youll understand the reference. If not, then run out to rent it so you can witness grown men making complete asses of themselves.
So theres these two guys in New York. Ones a film maker and the other ones...Um.. The other one does something else for a living. Thats not important- What is important however is the fact that they sometimes sit at a bar and get drunk together, drawing pictures of Garfield in every conceivable variation, hense their websites name- Garfieldvariations.com.
They claim that no matter what you draw, as long as you include those adorable eyes and some black triangles, that it will, in fact resemble everybodies favorite lasagna eating, Monday hating feline.
What are a couple of my personal favorites, you ask?
Well Kareem Abdul-Jabarfield, natch.
..And probably downsyndromefield.
They accept anyones representations, so as long as youre sitting at work, be productive, and draw your own 'whiskybottlefield' or 'Nerf gun-field'.
(These two items come to mind simply due to the fact that they both are sitting on my desk right now.)
See how easy that is?
In other parts of the country, you get feeds by a lovely thing in a two piece. In The Bay Area you get soggy dollars, transvestites, and beer spit in your face.
Im moving to other parts of the country.
Yesterday in the mail we got the standard array of crap. Bills, a couple of returns. ..You know, the usual- with the exception of the first contribution to our wall of shame from a young man named Cheever.
Its coming along nicely.
COs been laying low since the Cru Jones interview. Something about being hounded by major media outlets for his journalistic expertise, but I did just get this snippet as to what hes been up to as of late;
"Yesterdays small victory: Being told I look like a bum by a 6 year old."
Always striving for new heights, CO. Always striving for new heights....
After linking the UCI petition the other day, and then experiencing a round about series of synapse misfirings, it got me to thinking about an email I received from a delightful young lady from somewhere East of here. Wed sent a box of various and assorted items of clothing, as well as a complete Sanchez to a race organizer for an event he was throwing and lo and behold, 6 months later, we get a thank you of sorts from one of the competitors.
"That (name of race removed to protect the innocent) race that has "such a cool flier" was won by two women. and what'd we get? an x-large gay ass swobo shirt. nah, the only two girls that race couldn't possibly beat 20 guys. never.
you guys fu*king blow."
Thats a nice way to start the day.
I explained to her that we didnt pick who got what, and that she should probably take it up with the organizer, and please, by all means if what she ended up winning didnt fit, to simply send it back and wed happily replace it for her.
Eventually she wrote back, apologized, repeated the advice I gave her, and then said she shouldnt have linked her website.
It always feels good to give back to the kids.
Anyhoody, its raining, Ive got no Christmas presents for anybody except my sister (whos getting a bunch of Poison Oak treatments, as last I heard, her face was swollen and blistered), weve still got a ton of work ahead of us on the S.S Swobo, so Im relying on you to make up your own Wednesday Night Ride report.
Why not pick up one of the following titles for the young reader in your life?
And speaking of books, friend to many and enemy to a few, the perviously mentioned Mr. Eugene Robinson (seen here in mid-yowl, fronting his band Oxbow) is presently going on tour to promote his new book, 'FIGHT'. Should he be coming through your neck of the woods, go by to support the fella, and see if along with a signed copy, you dont walk away with a black eye to boot?
On the January 13th appearance, it looks like hell be in New York with P.W. Long, formerly of MULE fame.
If you miss that, youre foolish. If you dont know who MULE was, then youre foolisher.
Their cover of Nina Simones 'To Love Somebody' is one of the finest tributes these ears have ever heard.
Now then- Back in the day when you called up the old Swobo H.Q., one of the friendly voices on the telephone was a fine fellow by the name of Jeff. He has since moved on to greener pastures and besides spending time at firing ranges in Las Vegas, he has delved head first into the technical world of Photoshop.
He recently sent us seasons greetings in the form of a piece of his newest digital art.
Obviously his new skills are unmatched.
Chef also offered us a bit of holiday cheer in our inbox.
...and one more from Shawn;
"I know I rarely post anything on Bike Love, but this is a picture of my bike by a sign that says #1 donuts.
I had to share it with you all this lovely morning. My co-workers think I am crazy because I am all smiling @ werk tonight. I am down right giddy. I think I have the x-mas spirit."
Thanks you all. Its almost enough to make me like Christmas again.
Id better find my holiday spirit somewhere or Santa Loudass is gonna serve me up a stocking full of something a whole lot more unpleasant than lumps of coal.
Ive been blessed with a Santa of a different sort however as the master of masters, Antonio Columbo laid this beaut on me cause this year Ive been a marginally good boy.
This weekend found me buried in all sorts of domestic chores which have been sorely neglected as of late. I still havent done any form of Christmas shopping, but for you all I can offer this;
Between grocery shopping (complete with a roving band of carolers which made me throw up in my mouth a little bit), floor vacuuming, and dish washing, I found time to peep the art work for the new Single Speed World Championships t-shirt.
Thats right- Youve heard it here first. The wheels for 2008 are already in motion, though youre gonna have to wait for August to get a piece of it yourselves.
I can however present you with what was the inspiration for the new shirt.
As a matter of fact, last week I spoke on the phone with this past years host, Dr. Jon and I likened The Worlds to a big, smelly, sore covered, albeit lovable and friendly dog who comes and stays at your house for a while, you feed him, get slobbered on, and then he wonders off to the next house. Youre happy to host him, but youre always just as happy to see him go. Then damn Curtis has to go search the mutt out and invite him back.
'Nuf said about that...
Now theres an artist that goes by the name of Al Columbia that Ive mentioned here before on The Bummer Life. Among all of the 'art that doesnt suck' thats been showcased here over the months, Als art sucks the least.
Hes an absolute master of combining the whimsical and utterly terrifying, and Ill go on record here to say that if I was capable of drawing a straight line, Id draw a straight line just like him.
To see what Im talking about, you need look no further than ether of his two published books from Fantagraphics called The Biologic Show.
Crza passed this on. I thought it was a parody, but now Im just scrathing my head and saying, 'damn.'
After a long hiatus from fabrication, our man (Sk)ugly has gotten the torch lit on his frame building business and sent on a photo of his recently completed whip.
In an email we got the other day, he claims that shortly after the new year he should be in full production mode.
Dont forget (Sk)ugly, tis the season of giving.
As per the usual form of 'short attention span theatre' we host here on The Bummer Life, well now offer something of an entirely different nature from Jim;
"Local rider narrowly escapes certain death… Woweezowee. The photo shows a huge boulder that fell almost straight down on HWY 82, Independence Pass, barely missing the rider but wrecking his bike. Check out the pavement damage.
Glad it wasn’t me… I was sweeping out the garage.
JG"
Jim, everybody knows boulders never fall on you when you are sweeping the garage.
How about the final quote in that article though...
“It’s only in Colorado that you have cyclists in December,” said Shanks. “What a community.”
Riding their bikes in December? They must me mad...
The Urban Velo kids are still always on the hunt for folks who want to speak their minds about why theyd prefer to ride a bike on the city streets in their I love riding in the city segment.
Duh.. Cause its been like, years since anyone was killed by a falling boulder in the environs of a city scape...
In December...
Say- you know how when men win races, they get all kinds of cool loot and whatnot, and when women win races they get a pair of earrings? (Its true. I saw that happen once.)
Well, the Hunting forwarded this online petition to us, that will then be sent on the great minds at the UCI demanding some equal treatment for the women folk who race the bicycles. Sign it, and go to bed tonight feeling good about yourself.
And now finally, speaking of the people who race the bicycles.. That Cross Nationals thing just happened.
First off, Sinjin emailed us with pictures of his new Swobasket.
"As promised, couple of photos of your Swobo basket, 'Colorado Style" with some local beer, local whiskey, local coffee, local fly rod, and Italian hiking boot (hey, who's perfect??) - all on an old school 1987 Stumpjumper...
Aww Yeah!!
Happy Friday!"
Anybody remember the super badass volleyball player by the name of Sinjin Smith? Could it be that he rides around the Front Range with one boot full of whisky?
Were not talkin'.
Anyhow, Ive been so utterly and completely slammed with work the last few weeks I havent had any time to do much, but especially had time to empty out the old inbox- so in no particular order I offer you the following;
First off, rumor has it that Soulcraft is gonna offer the super fat tired cross bike in their line and its gonna be called 'The Dirtbomb'.
I like that. I like that a whole lot.
Then, we got an email from Jenny who helped organize San Franciscos 'Supermarket Sweep alley cat race', which we sent some goods on to for sponsorship support and she let us know that they raised just a corn cob shy of 1,600 pounds of food.
Thats some cool beans. Ifin youd like to take a peep of what the hodown looked like, click here.
Dayton, a rising star in the world of cyclevangelists, layed a bit of news we could use in our laps;
"In the audio-visual vein of bummer life, I will fail here. I can't think of the proper image for my group ride. Perhaps the mountain bike grimace of Mark Weir combined with the wool adorned cycling grace of Eddie Mercx, all the while running over the golden gate bridge and beyond? Or maybe not.
My group ride is looking for more riders. At current, a group of 4 guys meet up at Fell and Baker Intersections in SF for a 20-40 mile ride. I tried to make it a come one come all sort of ride, but it really hasn't evolved that way. Hasn't turned into the mellow, easy and flat ride I thought I would be introducing people to cycling with. Instead, the people that regular come out are bike dorks like us, folk in tight and silly outfits, playing with physics up and down and around the roads of the north bay.
So shit y'all. Come ride, come race yourselves and others, and above all, respect the trinity of kinship, velocity, and thrills.
Of the one or two folks in the Bay Area who are foolishly continuing to read The Bummer Life, there you go.
Dont say we never gave you nothin'.
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First there was the the SOPWAMTOS debacle, and now Cannondale has given me a whole new reason to despise them.
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Who feels like saluting a Friday Hero?
Well, this week weve got a special treat.
CO has nominated one, and one was nominated by Chris who claims something he read here inspired him to read a book, which I think sounds like crazy talk.
The only thing Ive ever inspired anyone to do with a book was to try and ride it down some stairs.
"Jim Potter, of Cyclogic/Morgul Bismark/Yeti/Mavrick/ChiliFest/Interbike/Vecchio's fame has had quite a time of it lately he has he has....
First he got mowed down by some drunk chick who drove over a median, pulled a full u'ey and knocked him smack off his new (insert gasp) motorcycle. She had a blood alchy level almost THREE (3) times the legal limit, and had no idea that the thump she heard was the sound of the WORLDS BEST FUCKING BIKE MECHANIC under her wheels....She thought she had just hit the curb.
Jim was in the hospital for FIVE (5) days...THREE (3) in the ICU, he more or less bruised/broke hisself. Once Jim was up and gimping around, as he was sitting on top of the proverbial "rainbow", just as we all felt comfortable enough to start making fun of him again....His son Jamey (who now for some reason is spelled Jayme) went into full respiratory failure during c-section...and spent TEN (10) days on a respirator at Children's Hospital in Denver...It was complete touch and go for over a week, but by the grace of god the little bugger has recovered rapidly, and is, as we speak at home with mom, pops and older sister Emily.
I think we can start making fun of Jim again now....Take it sorta easy on him at first, but don't feel too bad. When he gets his insurance settlement he is gonna have Sean at Soulcraft Bicycles build him a bigger...badder rig than Stevil's "Shaft", (with a cro-mo fork to boot). Stop in and see him at www.vecchios(dot)com the next time you are in Boulder...They have the coldest (freeist) big PBR's in town...Welcome back Jim...My fucking Paul's Derailleur is broken again!"
Jim, we here at Swobo are glad youre not smooshed.
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Now, Chris the book reader writes in;
"Subject: when I hear the word culture, I reach for my wallet.
Ed Abbey wrote that down somewhere, who bastardized Hermann Goering. I just think it's funny.
Hello there. Anyway, I think this line pretty much sums up this guy's whole experience: From 1989 to 1991 I threw myself into a no-holds-barred extravaganza of geek expressionism.
If you have not seen or posted on this guy before, I would like to submit him as my candidate for one of your friday heroes. you can check it here.
I like your Vonnegut quote. While I'm no hippy either this one alway resonated- "Violence is the dullard's beakfast of champions". I know there are a lot of anecdotes in this email, I'm saying
thankee for a fair amount of posts I've enjoyed from all ya'll. I ended up reading "Fugitive Days" by Bill Ayers because of you guys.
peacers-
chris a.
chattanooga, tn"
Chris really does sound too smart to be down here with the rest of us...
Travis Barker is kinda douchey, and 'Soulja Boy' is arguably this years Macarena, but this clip I stole from Michael the Swobo super pro is mesmerizing.
Could it be that two negatives are making a positive?
El Corpo sent this to me, which is pretty cool, and not alot unlike the garmet I recently wore while getting tattooed.
I actually purchased that for Sean the tattooers new son.
Babies give me the creeps, but even I have to admit, thats kinda cute.
Reminds me a bit of JMac, actually.
Speaking of JMac, he just blessed me with this.
Ive now adjusted my definition of 'douchey'...
The Wednesday Night Ride went off as usual this week, with only one exception. The lot of us were actually riding with lights. Light and Motion styled us out in all sorts of fantastic ways, and in all honesty, this is the first time in my whole life, and hundreds of hours of riding in the dark, that Ive ever experienced the pleasures of seeing where I was going.
Alright- Im running on fumes here folks. Im on the tail end of a 12 hours day, I havent eaten anything and my cats are pissed, presumably cause nether have they.
As always, everybody have a fine weekend, and if youve ordered an Swobo stuff this week, keep your eyes peeled on account of in my blinding speed of picking and packing furiousity, I seem to have lost my Rolex amongst one of the parcels interiors.
Its only a $5,000 watch. No biggie. El Corpo will just sport me a new one.
Here's our second installment of our 12 days of Christmas. Consider this offer to be our two turtle doves...whatever the hell those are. And although doves are a lot like pidgeons, which are a lot like rats, I don't know what type of present that would ever be. Anyhow, here's the deal to go away when we feel like it. Could be tomorrow...could be in a few hours....could be Friday. Dunno.
This post has not one reference to Gene, Richard or Russell Simmons.
Now who dont like to start Monday with a picture of Eric from Planet Bike and Webster?
File this one from Tina B under 'ohfortheloveofGod.'
More information about this insanity can be found here.
Now then, I hope everybody had a sufficiently restful weekend. Life in these parts saw the arrival of Loudass, Friendly Paul, Aaron, and Bee. To celebrate, we loaded our bags and/or pockets up with food and beer and set out on a bit of an adventure..
Still recovering from his epic crash this summer, even 6'7" rolled through to school us on the ways of the bike.
Here, while wearing the largest Swobo jersey ever constructed, Loudass explains to a captive audience how he 'ate the whole hamburger with one hand, and in just one bite'.
As the sun began to set on the horizon, and the temperatures started to drop, we eventually dragged our weary carcasses back home to bid farewell to another day lost in the woods with friends.
Ill tell you- Im far better suited for the weekend than I am the other parts of the week.
Just like Billy.
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Thursday I got and email about how theres no Swobo in Australia, Friday I shipped a bike to Emma in Australia, and Saturday I got an email apologizing for the email I got on Thursday;
"On behalf of all Australian HTATBL readers I would like to personally apoligize for that attack on your Inbox.
Why is it that so many Australians see the need to include so many gratuitous references to our -
A. Wildlife.
B. Celebrities. (which we hate anyway)
C. Beer (which we hate anyway) and how much we 'love' to drink
and
D. Our geographical isolation from the rest of the world
in any correspondence or conversation they have with anyone from anywhere else in the world???
"Beauty bonza mate, better crack a tinnie of Fosters and chuck another shrimp on the barbie, before I get out there in the bush and go for a ride. Better watch out for kangaroos and emus out there though - ey bloke!"...
Is it any wonder that we are regarded as the "ass end of the world"
Maybe that dude isn't so bike cray-zee, as just plain old cray-zee.
I hope that when you say that Australia is next on the to 'do' , I hope that you mean it in the most literal way.
Anyway. Sorry once again."
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Now then, let me attempt to answer those questions.
A) Because wildlife is wondrous, and tends to be pretty fuzzy, it is perhaps a reflection of our primitive selves and sometimes animals eat their own poo.
B) Celebrities are like royalty, and everybody likes royalty. Steve Irwin was a celebrity who also liked animals, which makes him, like.. an uber Australian supercelebrity.
C) Australians love beer. I saw it on The Simpsons, as well as a Fosters billboard depicting a huge pile of men in striped shirts chasing a rugby with the tag line 'Australian for male bonding'. To tell me that Australians dont love beer is like telling me theres no such thing as Santajesus, and that sir would make you a damn liar.
D) Yeah, you guys are really far away. Its a wonder youve even discovered things like chewing gum and pants yet.
And yes, I do mean to 'do Australia' in the most literal sense. Put on the Al Green tape. Im on my way.
I hope this puts an end to the confusion. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter.
Two more things-
Our friend Josh emailed us to tell us that he got all blown out on holiday cheer this weekend and went and forgot his bike in the great, wide outdoors.
As long as he remembers where in the great, wide outdoors we suppose thats not a problem.
Lets not let that happen again, alright Josh?
Well only replace bikes for you so many times...
Secondly, our buddy Mickey has done the impossible and got that bitchen Spooky brand bike company cooking with gas again.
But the weekends upon us and Im taking it upon myself to pass out abuse and beatings to others.
Friendly Paul and Loudass, namely.
And as far as the above photos go, depending on your personal aesthetic, possibly you as well.
Weve got a friend whos short in stature, but not in skill. She also happens to be angry so its fitting that her newly launched website should be called such. Short and Angry(dot)com.
I challenge her to make me a hat like that guy in Fat Alberts gang, depicted here being digested by Albert himself..
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Newly hired Swobo super pro Michael sent on a tale for a Friday Hero nomination in response to my query of 'who the hell is Beth?'
"beth newell is a cleveland girl who came to oaktown recently. knowing no one, i imagine.
she works in public health and has a strongly developed medulla oblongata.
about a year ago, some old fart named 'fred' (really) saw her riding her commuter, 40lb fiasco of a bike up and down the hills o' oakland. he saw beth's mightyness and adopted her as pupil (beth was a runner in school, but never biked competitively and never knew you could change a flat or that pedals 'clicked-in' ... total bloody newbie). she has trained with, talked with, heckled at velodrome races with him since (though, i think she said he was pissed at her for fucking with her saddle height or something and wasn't talking to her ... whatever, kids).
i first saw beth at the velodrome. she was a big messy smiling machine. we had a high-brow event there in the summer, AVC Challenge, and some big visiting dignitaries came to race and watch (olympians and national big dawgs or whatever they have in track-circles) and beth just jumped right the fuck in there and raced with them all. every single race.
she's fearless, but knows to giggle at herself.
she's witty and sometimes you wonder if not a bit of a ditz, too.
she's big-boned and puts pictures of her orange covered crotch on the internets (you'll have to research her blog for that, i won't make it easy for you).
she has a bitchin' friend named michiko who just did the Ruta. intense. michiko (the girl in the fotos with beth in her alleycat post) just did the ruta with english as her 2nd language and spanish as 'not a language'. she went down there cold and finished the whole gawdamn epic, mud-splattered, hike-a-bike-forever, the locals don't give you directions all the time Ruta.
hardcore.
then, she went surfing for a week.
anyway, back to beth. beth is urban. beth is a woman who wasn't born to the bike. it wasn't in her view of the norm, and certainly not in the norm of her family/social environment. but she is fearless, yah? and she found something she liked. and she is sucking it up with a straw.
AND, she makes a difference in the world with her work.
Beth rocks, man... and I barely know her.
M"
The Friday Hero club is an elite one Beth. Youre in good company.
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And now an email from a soon-to-be-friend in Australia wondering why theres no Swobo there (yet);
As a visual aid, Ive poached photos from one of our Australian connections, Handsome Dan.
"C'mon guys,
We're bike cray-zee here, (remember the classic aussie movie,
BMX bandits? It was SO cool. Better than Rad! OK, no it wasn't,
but at least it starred a barely-out-of-puberty Nicole Kidman with
her REAL hair (a ginger fuzzball of 80's country-rock proportions)
back in the days when any one of us could have scored with her
on our worst zit-filled day...
So, now that I've established beyond all doubt that we're
crazy-for-the-axle-grease bike-nuts here, where are our Swobos?
OK, that's a lie, we're actually the last nation of true motor-heads,
but there still are quite a few folks who love to ride to the pub,
or down to the car yards to check out the latest planet-busting
gas-guzzler. (With a beer in the water-bottle cage - after visiting
the pub).
Anyway, Swobo (and all who sail in her) is so much in alignment
with Australian stylee (and lifestylee) that you should make bikes
with marsupial pouches. (If you don't already, I'll take a finders'
fee on that bad boy).
Y'see, this is the land of Mambo. The t-shirt/streetwear brand that
married surf-skate-style with politics, bad manners and rude words
to give a voice to the already loud-mouthed, militant, bad-mannered
youth of the world. But on a t-shirt!
This is the land that gave us (I mean you) Crumpler. Still the worlds'
best courier bags, and invented by Stewie Crumpler, a cycle courier.
This is also the land of cheating professional cyclists who elbow
opponents over at the finish line in the Tour de France - but in
broad daylight, for all to see. And the land of surfing, skateboarding,
silly retro-t-shirts, cold, COLD beer, and cheesy pick-up lines (ok,
not much to do with bikes there, but I'm sure it's ringin' some
bells in Swobo HQ am I right? I'm right. You knows it.)
So, in short, (which I should've been from the beginning)...
"Give us Swobo or give us death!"
(or words to that effect)
cheers & beers,
matthk
PS: If I can't get me a Swobo, I'm saving up for a Specialized
Tricross Sport. Cross-over hybrid heaven, but WAY sexier than a Prius. ;-)
(too bad about the ball-busting drop-bars though)."
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All I can say ius that just as soon as The Skipper and I are able to find our respective asses with both hands, (our own, not each others, mind you)- Australia is the next on the 'to do' list.
Al right everybody. Thats about all I can stand.
Have a good Friday, and an even better weekend.
Weve earned it.
This is a final call for the Men's Fenster offer that's located a few postings below this one. Get em while they're hot...and your ass is cold. I'll be turning off the "good will" spicket in about 3 hours. Let anyone know who might be interested that the deal is closing. Thanks.
Because we think so highly of our HTATBL crew, here's a deal for a very limited time.
USE COUPON CODE 101956 IN STEP 2 OF 2 OF THE CHECKOUT PROCESS. This will give you 20% off of theMen's Fenster Knickers.
These are bad ass Merino knickers with an Italian pad. Like I said...this deal will be limited. When it starts going too nuts...I'll need to pull it back. So here you go. Thanks for being a part of our group here.
Here's the deal though, you must avoid the bummer life. If you do so in fact are a Bummer, we have sophisticated software that will void your order and you will not get the goods. We do not give credit to orders that are not properly placed. If you need lessons...call Collin or Steve.
Not since his astounding win at Hell Track over 20 years ago has the reclusive Cru Jones been seen, let alone interviewed.
Leave it up to our own CO to track the man, the myth, and the legend down for an 'Inside The Actors Studio' type of one on one.
What follows is an edgy, hard hitting, and occasionally profane dialogue with Americas greatest underdog, Mr. Cru Jones.
CO: I would go so far as to say that RAD is the greatest documentary film of our time. Having grown up steeped in all things BMX, your story is my story.
As a child I wanted to be you Cru', and I thank you so much for sitting down and visiting with me.
CJ: You're welcome.
CO: I'll keep it brief because I know you are a very busy man, but after your miraculous win at Helltrack
you sorta dropped off the map. What have you been up to the past 21 years?
CJ: I forget. Smoking hash and trying to get a kissing booth at the X Games mostly.
-So far no takers.
CO: People tell me RAD was not a documentary... Real movies don't have booms and microphones in every shot.
CJ: What do you mean it's not a documentary? I stand by the fact that it IS a documentary. Of course it's a documentary. I could beat the crap out of you for even implying that.
..What's a documentary?
CO: My brother says you were doing time for selling meth like Christian Hosoi?
CJ: Your brother is an asshole. I was doing more meth than Tom Sizemore, but I only loan my meth or trade it for crack. Please- no more insulting questions. Wanna buy some Meth? Give my props to Christian.
CO: Are you still together with that Christian Hollings girl? Ill bet she is dynamite in the sack.
CJ: You bet! What do you mean SHE? Didnt you see the bicycle boogie sequence?
CO: Do you still do much ass sliding? Try as I may, I have never been able to find a suitable ass sliding spot! Well, on the rocks at least.
CJ: No, last time I did it was the famous pine cone incident, I'm still walking funny, I tell ya.
CO: Ok...Enough with the nipple twisting. Tell me about Helltrack- what was it really like?
CJ: The name speaks for itself, it was just TRACK!
CO: And man, what about that Kix Bowl?
CJ:(SNORTING NOISES) Huh?
CO: I must have tried a million times to ride over those logs like you...I even paused my VCR to get the spacing right. How was it that you did that?
CJ: Adrenalin man, pure adrenalin.
(Pig adrenalin. I have some of that for sale also.)
CO: In all honesty, who was the better Reynolds, Rod or Rex?
CJ: with a name like Rod, who would you invite ass sliding?
CO: Neither of them were as cool as Burt though...Ya know what I'm sayin' Muthafucka?
CJ: Lemme tell ya. Bert is nothin without Ernie, muthafucka!
CO: Did you ever blood dope??
CJ: I find these questions very offensive. No, I never put blood in my dope. Eeeewww! Ever hear of AIDS?
CO: No offense, but the "bicycle boogie" was the gayest moment in cinematic history..I can't believe a shredder like you would do that....It was for the pelt right? Tell me it was for the pelt!
CJ: You bet it was, and it worked too! Rod was totally impressed!
He flew out of the closet like a murphy bed!
CO: Any Chance or a comeback? Beijing '08?
CJ: As soon as I'm out on the work release program, I will email Beijing 08- does he do golden showers?
CO: So now that we're official, can I have a spot on RAD Racing?
CJ: Let me think...FUCK OFF.
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You've witnessed history in the making here folks, and there's proof out there that the kids are paying attention.
Shortly after the Hell Track victory, Cru changed his name to Bill Allen, but we all know greatness can changes its name, but will never be able to hide its face.
Thank you CO, and thank you Cru.
I think we can all agree that we're a little bit better off than we were fifteen minutes ago.
Sortof.
Recently I had the realization that I knew Id seen James Lipton somewhere before.
'But where?' I thought.
A few weeks ago I read an interview with him, and he was posed the query he generally ends his discussions with.
"If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"
Mr. Lipton's response- "See? I do exist. But you can come in anyway."
Thats when it came to me.
Up now from the home of rock and roll heros The New Bomb Turks comes one not to miss.
(Chris corrected me. NBT are not from Dayton. I believe I was thinking of Gaunt. Im old and the brain dont remember so good.
Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter.)
(Update- Nope, I was wrong there too. I have officially given up.)
The little scribbling down there in the corner says Brett1529@yahoo.com has more info, so give him a shout for the goods if you please.
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So- have you ever asked yourself-
"How does one go about obtaining a Swobo sponsorship?"
You might end up being draped in factory seconds, and covering your bits and pieces in gloves and duct tape, but freebies are freebies, right?
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Russell the muscle wrote in;
"Forgive me, I'm a bummer life submission virgin. I hope that I'm doing this right.
Last weekend myself and a long-time friend, Matthew Hurley, had a great ride in downtown Tulsa. We assaulted that urban jungle for several hours in 40 degree weather and then made some stops at the public houses for some brews. Just wanted to share some pics that I thought expressed the mood of the ride and a great way to avoid the bummer life. Check out the "bottle cage" on Matt's Wolfhound. (It was filled with Highland Park single malt, in case you were wondering.)"
So there you have it. If any of yall thought there was no trouble brewing in Tulsa, think again.
Thanks Russell.
Not bad for a virgin.
And as long as were on the topic of brewing trouble- for those of us in the Northern Califonia region, youll not want to miss Soulcrafts 11th annual Ray Ray ride.
Ill be there with some jingle bells stuffed in a sock just to spread some black eyed cheer.
And another straight from the mind of AK
I went last year, and mistakenly showed up thinking it was an eating competition, from which I emerged victorious, which was a good thing due to the fact that my Nutella, Pinenut and Oyster enchiladas absolutely flat lined.
Theres no accounting for taste, I guess.
Frank emailed us and due to the fact that weve had some downer posts lately what with friends and heros passing away, thought we might need to spend some time in a happier place.
Frank- when youre right, youre right.
Lastly Ill leave you with one from the furry knuckled;
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